“Duck!”

Duck Dynasty stars 660 AP

Phil Robertson is not an obvious quack.

He presents himself as the real deal – a true believer – unkindly referenced by non-supporters as an ignorance driven, self-made, white trash, super rich, unrepentant, full-blown, mega-star bigot and damn proud to be one.

The genuine article.

Like that “Okie from Muskogee” Merle Haggard once sang about, but times ten.

A&E’s “suspension” of Phil from his phenomenally successful “Duck Dynasty” series is as ludicrous as it is unfair.

For the sparsely informed – Phil put down his Browning Auto-5 Semi-Automatic and shot his mouth off in the January 2014 issue of the ever so elegant GQ “Gentleman’s Quarterly” with remarks regarded by many as racist, homophobic and sacrilegious – quickly perceived in certain circles as a taunting trifecta.

Phil made the cut for such a high tone publication after this season’s premiere of “Duck Dynasty” recently drew over 11 million viewers – the most-watched nonfiction cable telecast in history. When you’re hot, you’re hot.

The man’s self-definition couldn’t be more clearly conveyed. No one should be even slightly surprised by what Robertson rapped, particularly his partners at the Hearst Corporation and Disney- ABC, both 50% owners of A&E. And the fact remains he didn’t utter his nonsense during any of the“Duck Dynasty” episodes, all of which are subject to extremely heavy editing to extract the most out of what normally starts out as a mushy mess.

Here comes that overused, but ever true cliché:

While I deplore much of what Phil had to say in GQ, I equally and unequivocally support his right to say it and for others to react accordingly.

If honesty is a virtue, Phil might be granted points for that as well, yet only to a limited extent, for honesty untempered by wisdom signals the folly of a fool.

For someone holding a Master of Arts Degree in Education from Louisiana Tech, as does Patriarch Phil, one would normally expect a bit more sophistication than displayed in his chronically crude and widely quoted pronouncements, both on and off the air. By example, comparing one’s wife to a Labrador Retriever is not generally recommended as persuasive foreplay in all but the most canine of cultures.

Did you know that Phil was also a schoolteacher, Willie has a Bachelor’s Degree in Health and Human Performance from the University of Louisiana and Korie is a graduate of Harding University? This is why I herein propose that “Duck Dynasty” – for all its down home, by golly, gee wiz charm — is pretty much a great big act.

So is A&E’s supposed punishment of Phil, who’s already completed most of his fourth season work and isn’t even due back on the set till March, by which time all will be amiably settled to everyone’s contractual satisfaction, leaving issues of unresolved morality and propriety for others – elsewhere — some new day.

“Reality Television” is a contradiction in terms – like – “Military Intelligence” or “The Vegetarian Tiger” or “A Fish Camp Socialite.”

And if all this hasn’t made you want to duck and cover – I hope you’re sitting down.

A few days ago, Dr. Bill Atwood, J.R. Froelich, Alan Cheah and I were sitting around the bar at Crab Cakes amiably and festively conversing about all sorts of things, when Dr. Bill came up with an outstanding idea. You might only read about it here this one time, since part of the concept is to maintain confidentiality as a critical aspect of the initial exercise until we see what happens during and after our first “session”.

The genius of the proposed intellectual adventure rests in its simplicity.

Just the four of us will pick a certain time and place and sit down together. Each will summarize our basic thoughts and generalized philosophy without interruption, contradiction or debate in any form. There will be no note taking and nothing discussed may be used in any future columns by anyone present other than that which may be, in time, unanimously agreed upon.

That’s it!

If you don’t believe me, ask any of the others.

In a phrase, it would be quite cool individually and collectively discovering “where each of us is coming from.”

I think that would be an extraordinarily positive way to begin a New Year and congratulate Dr. Atwood for his proposal, as well as Alan and J.R. for their enthusiastic endorsement of the basic concept.

Happy 2014!

“You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.”

Imagine!

3 Responses to ““Duck!””

  1. Bill Hennes Says:

    Peter….You hit the nail on the head again! You know most writers pontificate with BS…You always give us the straight facts and leave fiction to the nnny;’s.Merry Christmas and Happy New Year o you and Eileeen!

  2. Charles Walker Says:

    Peter C!!!! I was primed for a proglibacart rant and here you surprise me with a well thought out and typically well stated Voltairian defense of the Alpha Duck. 1st let me state that I do not give a duck about the show (having never watched it), Poppa Duck (didn’t even know his name until this story hit) or A&E (never watch it). 2nd allow me to apologize for thinking ill of you. Being a R&R god, I should have known you would defend the 1st amendment with every being in your fiber. And 3rd permit me to reiterate, “Who gives a duck?!?!?”

  3. Dave Smart Says:

    My first question is, when you, Dr. Bill, J.R. and Alan meet, will you-all be sober or otherwise? If sober there may well be things you-all agree upon and I for one would want to be there to hear it! If otherwise it may be just as well if I am not there, nor anyone else except of course the bartender!

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